Four Years Later

April 28, 2012

It is so hard to believe it was four years ago (April 30) when I held my precious Seth Timothy in my hands.  His tiny body only needed one hand to hold him.  His lungs never held breath, but his short life still holds on to my heart.

I'll never forget longing to feel his little body moving inside mine, but that joy never came.  It was shortly after that we discovered that our precious baby no longer had a heartbeat... no longer had life on this side of Heaven.

As I was reading Psalm 139 yesterday, I was able to embrace the fact, once again, that Seth's short life was no surprise to my sovereign God.  God does have a perfect plan.  I am okay with that.  Being okay with that doesn't remove all the pain associated with it, but it does comfort the pain.  New life doesn't replace the pain, but it can bring joy.  Virginia was our unexpected new life after the short life of our Seth Timothy.  She has certainly brought us joy... but she doesn't replace the one we'll never watch grow up.  She's another unique blessing.  

Just the other morning, I was remembering Seth's precious, tiny head lightly covered in snow white hair.  So fine and delicate.  Wondering if he'd been another blonde headed child to "match" our Emma... or if that snow white hair would have changed before he was born on his due date in August.  So while it has been four years ago since I held his perfectly formed body in my hands, I will hold Seth Timothy in my heart forever.

~Melinda

*updates on the older posts and a "missing" post
-last year we were in the process of settling in our new life overseas on April 30th.  I did not forget the date, I just didn't have the opportunity to post on this blog
-my Daddy joined Seth in Heaven on October 31, 2010
-Dano successfully transplanted Seth's tree from my Daddy's yard (since the house was sold) to his mother's yard.  She told us it was blooming earlier this Spring and is now covered with leaves.  =0)
-reading back through the older posts, I realized there is no "explanation" of Seth's death on this blog.  He died from a cord injury.  His cord was wrapped too tightly around his neck; otherwise, he was perfect.

We'll Never Forget

Two years ago today, we went to the hospital to deliver Seth Timothy although we knew he was already in the hands of our Lord. The memory of that day doesn't fade. It feels just as vivid today as it did then. That memory is filled with joy and pain.

Many of you may think that the memory may begin to fade or that it wouldn't be something I'm often reminded of; however, whenever someone asks the simple question, "How many children do you have?" I almost feel panicked. I still don't know how to answer this question... two years later. Sometimes, I just keep it simple and say "five," but I almost always feel like I'm being less than truthful. Lots of times when I say five, but the conversation continues, I will mention Seth; however, I don't always. Then I feel like I've betrayed the memory of my son.

I realize this may seem silly, but this is a hurdle I'm still trying to jump. I also wonder if I'm missing an opportunity to minister to someone who has had a similar loss by not mentioning our Seth. The Bible is clear that He helps us through our suffering so that we can then help someone through theirs. I want to be faithful.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

I am still thankful for our Seth. I still trust the Lord in His sovereignty. Do I still shed some tears over Seth? Yes, on occasion. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because I still remember driving away from the hospital with empty arms. I also have joyful memories from that day because it was the only day I got to hold my Seth and look at his beautiful hands and feet. Every detail of him was beautiful. His tiny lips were perfect. My God is an awesome God.

Above are the pictures of Seth's tree this year. My Daddy is in one of them. Please pray for him as he is fighting for his life against cancer. The tree is in his yard. I'm also trusting God in this situation.

Remembering Seth

Those we have held

in our arms

for a little while,

we hold in

our hearts forever.

One year ago today I delivered Seth Timothy at 23 weeks. As you most likely remember, he was already present with the Lord before we ever got to meet him. To see his precious prints, you can see the previous posts.

I wish I had something profound to type for you to read... something that would help draw you closer to our Lord... something that would help you draw closer to your children, family, and friends... but honestly I don't.

I don't really know how to feel or what to think. I'm not angry. I might still be a little numb. Occasionally, I'm still sad. But mostly, I'm at peace.

This last year has been a roller coaster. Only 8 weeks after delivering Seth, we were expecting again... our sweet Virginia. We wouldn't have Virginia if we had Seth. If *I* had to choose, I couldn't. I'll never understand God's plan here, but I don't want a God I can understand. I rest in the fact that He is sovereign, and I really am okay with that. I would never choose to have neither. They both have been a blessing in many ways. I know when we're in heaven that our family will be perfect and complete. In the meantime, we'll do our best to love Virginia and train her up in the Lord. We know Seth is already perfect in the presence of the Lord worshipping Him. According to the book we used... Seth means "chosen" and Timothy means "to worship," and as we see it, our Seth Timothy was chosen to worship the Lord now in His presence. One day we'll be by his side worshipping. Oh, what a day that will be!

You may recognize the tree above. It is the little dogwood tree we planted last summer in my father's yard in memory of Seth. Isn't it beautiful? My sister took these pictures for me about 2 weeks ago when it was in full bloom. I sure wish I could have seen it in person. Something I just realized as uploading these pictures is kind of ironic, I guess you would say. If you notice the white rocks at the base of the tree, my father put those there. The ironic thing, I guess, is that those were my grandma's rocks (she collected lots of pretty rocks). My grandmother is who we named our Virginia after. So Seth's tree has Virginia's rocks around it.

Well, I hope today you will lift us up as we continue to remember our Seth Timothy and continue to work through some grief. We don't have any special plans for today. He doesn't have a grave to visit. Our only memorial is in TN... the tree. We hope to get a rock of some sort with something engraved on it to put with his tree. So, I don't know what we'd do if we decided to do something.

I don't want to forget Seth. I know I won't. But I don't want to make a shrine out of him or his tree or anything like that. He was a precious gift that we got to enjoy for a brief time... but love for our lifetime.

Thank you for your support over the last year.

Love,

Melinda =0)

The Size of Seth's Prints

My sister suggested using a coin to show perspective with Seth's prints so that others could know what size they really are. They are tiny... yet perfect!

In Memory of

Our Precious Baby Boy

Seth Timothy Whited

born

April 30, 2008

at 23 weeks

7 1/2 ounces

8 inches

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort... 2 Cor 1:3-4